I Was 13 on the Chat Line: Validation, Danger, and Finding My Voice

Before Social Media, There Were Chat Lines

PART 1: A Young Girl Looking for Connection

Hey y’all.

Lately, I’ve been deep in my thoughts, thinking about my childhood specifically the stuff I explored when I was just a curious teenage girl trying to understand myself, boys, and life. Out of nowhere, I remembered the chat lines. If you’re from a certain era, you probably remember them too.

Before social media was what it is today, chat lines were how a lot of us connected, flirted, and experimented with identity. But looking back as an adult and as a mom, I realize just how dangerous some of those moments actually were.

Creating Lisa: My First Taste of Power

I started getting on chat lines when I was really young—like 13 or 14. I’d lie about my age and create a fake persona, because I knew those spaces were meant for grown folks. But I was curious. I wanted to feel seen. The boys my age weren’t checking for Black girls like me in New York, and the chat line gave me attention I wasn’t getting in real life.

It felt good to be desired. To be told I was beautiful, sexy, interesting. Even if it wasn’t really me they were seeing, it felt validating.

That became addictive.

PART 2: Selling Dreams and Chasing Feelings

Two men stand out in my memory—Anthony from Albany, NJ and Clayton from Georgia. Both of them were grown. Both thought I was too. I lied. Told them I was older. I never met up with them in person—something about the lie always kept me from crossing that line—but we talked for years.

With Anthony, I used to pretend my name was Lisa. We had deep conversations, even phone sex. Looking back, I’m horrified, but at the time, I felt powerful. I could talk my way into anyone’s heart. I could make men jealous of someone I made up. I was always in control—at least that’s what I thought.

I thought I was in control. But I was a child playing dress-up in a world that doesn’t care if Black girls grow up too fast.

I Genuinely Didn’t Think It Was a Big Deal… Until Now

But what happens when your first real emotional attachments are built on lies? When you learn to perform to be wanted? It messes with your sense of self. It teaches you early that love might come wrapped in danger.

And yet… those moments shaped the woman I am. They gave me the voice I use today. They helped me survive.

Now I Have a Daughter… and I’m Terrified

PART 3: The Danger I Didn’t See Then

Now that I’m older, I realize how dangerous that situation was. These were grown men talking to a child. And while I never physically met them, it doesn’t change the fact that it was inappropriate and harmful. I was a kid looking for love and validation in all the wrong places. And if they had known my real age and still pursued me? That would’ve opened the door to even deeper trauma.

I thank God nothing worse ever happened. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was walking a thin line between fantasy and danger.

PART 4: What the Chat Line Taught Me

As crazy as it sounds, I actually learned a lot from those experiences especially about men, manipulation, and communication. I became sharp. I learned how to read people, how to tell when someone was lying, how to protect myself with words.

That’s where my communication skills really came from. Even now, people tell me I’m quick-witted, good with comebacks, and confident. That started on the phone.

On the phone, I was everything. I was beautiful. I was bold. I was untouchable.

But off the phone? I was just a young girl trying to figure herself out.

REFLECTION: What I Know Now as a Woman and a Mom

My daughter is 9. She has access to way more than I ever did at her age. The predators are still here they just changed apps. Chat lines turned into DMs. Grooming turned into “he’s just a friend.”

If my daughter ever did what I did? I’d be terrified. This generation is growing up in a world where predators are smarter, tech is faster, and consequences are scarier. Back then, we were selling dreams on chat lines. Now it’s Snapchat, TikTok DMs, and fake profiles.

I parent her differently. Not from fear, but from understanding. I know what it’s like to want to be seen so bad, you’ll pretend to be someone else. I talk to her. I stay close. Because I’d rather her come to me about the Anthony or Clayton in her DMs than pretend she’s fine and go through it alone.

It reminds me that I need to create space for open conversations with my daughter. No judgment, just honesty. Because kids will explore we just have to make sure they don’t explore alone.

Why I’m Sharing This

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because someone else needs to feel less ashamed. Somebody else used a fake name, changed their voice, and felt seen by people they should’ve been protected from.

And especially to the Black girls: I see you. I know what it’s like to grow up too fast. To crave love in a world that keeps failing to give it to you safely.

Let’s Talk About It Out Loud

Have you ever made up a persona just to feel loved? Were you on the chat lines too?

Did you grow up pretending to be grown before you even got to be a kid?

Let’s talk. Let’s stop pretending it didn’t happen. Let’s take the shame off of our survival stories.

I Thought I Was Helping My Cousin But I Taught Her to Hide

I had a cousin who was bigger. I remember how low her confidence was. She’d tell me she felt ugly and undesirable. People made fun of her, called her names. She told me she was fat, ugly, and invisible like no one would ever want to look at her.

So, I introduced her to the chat line.

I helped her create a persona. Helped her craft a voice that didn’t carry the weight of her pain. The guys on the line would tell her she was beautiful. They’d call her sexy, obsess over her voice, and say they’d do anything to be with her. At the time, I thought I was doing something good helping her feel confident, helping her feel loved.

But now? I see the harm I didn’t know I was causing.

What I should’ve been teaching her was how to love herself exactly as she was. That she was already worthy. But I couldn’t give her what I didn’t have inside of me. I just wanted her to feel good, to feel seen, to believe that even if she was fat, she was still beautiful and desirable and she was.

But instead of helping her stand tall in who she was, I taught her to hide. To shrink herself. To create a version of herself the world might accept. I didn’t teach her to ignore the bullies or silence the shame I taught her to blend in. To pretend. And now, looking back, that’s one of my deepest regrets.

Because my intentions were good. I just didn’t realize that the validation she got from strangers wasn’t healing—it was masking. And I know her now. I see the ways that early experience shaped her. And I can’t help but wonder if some of her struggles with self-worth started right there on that chat line.

The Real Lesson Isn’t to Fit In It’s to Be Yourself

What I wish my cousin knew and what I hope other girls reading this will understand is that you don’t have to create a version of yourself just to be loved.

You don’t have to shrink. You don’t have to pretend. You are enough.

The world will try to tell girls especially plus-size girls, Black girls, dark-skinned girls, disabled girls, or queer girls that they need to mold themselves into something “acceptable.” But that’s a lie.

The real confidence comes from learning to be unapologetically yourself, even when the world doesn’t clap for it. It’s okay to want to feel loved, to feel seen—but make sure it’s for the real you, not a mask you’ve put on to survive.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to hide who you are to be accepted this is your reminder that the world needs the real you.

Tag a friend who needs this reminder.

Share your story in the comments.

Speak life into a young girl who may be battling these same feelings right now.

Let’s rewrite the narrative together.

#SelfWorth #BodyConfidence #FatGirlsDeserveLove #HealingJourney #SelfLoveFirst #BlackGirlsDeserveJoy #UnlearnToxicValidation #ChatLineEra #RealNotPerfect #YouAreEnough #LetGirlsBeThemselves #TeachConfidence #BreakTheCycle

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